It’s been over 5 years since I became a momma.. So many emotions ran through my mind the day that I saw those 2 pink lines.. I dreamed of the day I could hold my baby in my arms and couldn’t wait to grow together. I couldn’t wait for all the firsts we were going to experience.. I wondered who baby would look like and what baby would be. I had so many plans…
I remember staying so sick my entire pregnancy.. I was always so happy for my next doctor appointment but I had to focus on not puking my guts up and always had an eye on the nearest trash can.. but when I heard the little heartbeat nothing else mattered.. I didn’t care how sick I stayed, I was growing a life inside of me. I couldn’t wait to be a momma.
Months slowly passed and we found out baby was a boy. That same day we decided on a name, Camden Reid. I wondered if he would like sports and getting dirty. I pictured chasing a little wild boy through the yard and kissing scrapped knees. Being his number 1 fan at football games. And rolling my eyes and snarling my nose at him “just being a boy”…
Time got closer and I was so excited.. scared but excited. I was young.. and I didn’t know how to take care of a baby. Even though it’s all I ever wanted. My pregnancy was completely normal for the most part and Camden and I was healthy. Around 30 weeks, there was some concern on how “lazy” Camden was in the womb and how small he was. We saw a specialist just to be safe and was reassured that it was all okay. We would just deliver earlier at 37 weeks.
I was induced and had a very painful labor. But finally, my sweet boy made his arrival and made all the pain worth it. He was tiny, but healthy. We had a typical hospital stay and was sent home to care for my brand new, perfect son.
Life was perfect. Tired but perfect. Camden was healthy and I was so blessed. Looking back now I didn’t realize how much I would miss the newborn days.. but maybe it’s just the days when life was “normal” that I miss the most.
Months went by and life was good. I had the sweetest little chunky, blonde hair, blue eyed baby.. he was perfect. Every check up come back normal. He was meeting milestones and growing and thriving.. it wasn’t until about 7 months the worry began to set in. Camden hasn’t stood, he hasn’t attempted to crawl. He was content just sitting in one place.
We made many trips to the pediatrician over my worries. Always reassured us that we had a healthy baby… he was just lazy and spoiled. We gave it more time and there was no changes. We noticed his little hands tremored but never got answers as to why. The worries became greater and finally Camden started physical therapy to give him a “push.” The physical therapist realized right off that something was wrong with our perfect son.
They began doing numerous tests.. scans, blood work, MRIs. Nobody had a clue. I googled his symptoms and bam.. I just knew.. SPINAL. MUSCULAR. ATROPHY.. the hand tremors, the weak muscles.. it sounded just like my Camden. But it couldn’t be.. my son was so perfect. I was healthy. I did everything right (I thought), I tried to be a good mom. This couldn’t be right.
I asked the doctor to test Camden for Spinal Muscular Atrophy. He agreed to just to ease my mind because he was almost positive Camden did not have SMA. After weeks of panic attacks and worry, we was given the news that Camden DID have SMA. At only 14 months old we were told our son would never walk. He would always be wheelchair bound. My dreams were crushed. My life crashed around me. There are no words as to how heart broken I was/am.
Life kept moving and I felt as if I was at a standstill… I picked myself up and I had to be strong for Camden. He was still my perfect son and he would still have the best life.. we made it the best we could and years went by.
At around age 2, I began to realize that Camden was changing. He wasn’t the social, playful little boy he once was. He had lost skills he had learned. He was just “different.” Once again, my worry set in. I knew something was wrong.. a couple months went by and the doctor confirmed my fears. Camden had severe autism.
5 years into this life.. sometimes I feel like I’m dreaming. I would be lying if I said this gets easier.. or well so far it hasn’t for me. I love Camden with all my being. I would give my life for him but I would also give my life for him to be healthy. I sometimes dream I hear his little voice and in my dream I am so shocked and thinking to myself, “I knew it would happen one day.” I have dreams I see Camden stand up and walk. It hurts, it really hurts.. he is still my perfect son but the pain of everyday is like no other.